So Sallie Says

Before I was a mom I loved being delusional about what kind of mom I’d be. Believe me when I say that I would absolutely go back in time, partially to experience a responsibility-free life just once more (seriously, what did I do with all that free time??), but mostly so I could knock some sense into my smug little head.

But in 2025 we’re kind to our past selves so I’ll call these my parenting “course corrections.”

Sad beige baby aesthetic

“I want my baby to dress cute — no characters, please,” said I. “I’m not going to fill my home up with plastic crap!”

Well, it turns out I want my kid to experience joy so within two months of having him I was out at Target buying any toy that took AA batteries. Now, as a toddler, his clothes are covered in dinosaurs eating ice cream cones while driving excavators and I wouldn’t trade any perfectly curated aesthetic family photo for it.

Screen time

I’m not saying I have a full-on iPad kid, maybe more of an iPad Mini kid. I justify the screen time like most parents do: with time limits and the sage epithet that this is just a “season of life.” But I’m dead serious when I say I would not have survived my second pregnancy if we were a screen-free household, although the Puffin Rock theme song gives me PTSD flashbacks to waking up at 5am with a toddler while 8 weeks pregnant.   

Kids in the kitchen

Before kids of my own, I’d had a few experiences with other people’s children in the kitchen wreaking general havoc; you know: crawling around near hot ovens, eating a bunch of processed snacks before dinner, getting sticky fingers all over the cabinets. I avowed I would keep my own perfectly behaved children out of the kitchen while cooking was happening.

Well, in a plot twist that surprises no one, I was stupid for thinking this, and this is a stupid concept in general. If you’ve consumed the same Millenial Mom curriculum I have you’ve read “Hunt, Gather, Parent,” the book where author Michaeleen Doucleff explores how other and ancient cultures parent differently and how those techniques might be applied to raising happier and more helpful children. One of the major takeaways is how beneficial it is to involve your children in the household. Children don’t distinguish between chores and play, so why wouldn’t they want to join in funloading the dishwasher? Getting your kids to help gives them a sense of responsibility and accomplishment, and I can personally attest to this. We let our toddler help with dinner every single night and the messes and chaos pale in comparison to how excited he is to cut cucumbers with his own [kid-safe] knife or add the garlic powder to the pot.

And yes, my pantry is stocked with Goldfish and fruit snacks.

Co-sleeping

I used to think that the second you brought your kid into the bed with you, they would be in there for the next nine years like Grandpa Joe. Then, I slept on the floor of my baby’s room for eight months and realized that actually, you should do whatever you need to get sleep. That means co-sleeping, sleep training, hiring a night nurse if you have the means. Lack of sleep had detrimental effects definitely on my mental health and probably on my career, which brings me to the fifth thing I reneged on.

Judging other people’s parenting

We are all just out here trying to survive. What worked for me won’t work for you, and your kid’s timeline for walking/talking/nose-picking will be different from mine. You can find me minding my own business for the next 18 years, using my favorite parenting hacks Bribery and Empty Threats, and when that backfires on me you don’t need to worry about it because it’ll be no one’s problem except mine and my fully grown iPad Pro Max kid’s.