So Sallie Says

I’m officially done with my second and [probably] final newborn phase and here’s my roundup of what you need and what you can skip, and guess what? The influencers are LYING to y’all!

Pumps

At this point I’ve breastfed (and pumped) for a collective 22 months, or almost 6% of my life (!!). I’ve owned and used five different pumps, and here are my most to least favorites:

1. The Spectra S2 is efficient, quiet, and has a cup holder, which is a set of standards I think are important for a lot of things in life: cars, jet skis, men, to name a few. It does have to be plugged in for use, which I found to be a non-issue since hands free pumping is over-rated. You will not be folding laundry and unloading the dishwasher while pumping, and you deserve to be totally worthless for a few minutes. Also, the Spectra is fast, so I spent less time pumping overall. 
2. The Motif Luna is also great, and I’m glad it was my first pump. I used it in almost every scenario imaginable: at work, in the car, at weddings, on vacation. I give it a 10 for usability and portability, and a 7 for efficiency.
3. Do not knock a manual pump until you try Medela’s. I used this a lot during early days to catch milk quickly, and after that I kept it in the car for emergency situations. 
4. Speaking of manual pumps, I also used the Haakaa, and while it is useful it also caused more than its fair share of messes, especially during a delicate time when even a drop of spilled milk sends me into a postpartum rage.
5. The Elvie wearable pump is not that girl. It’s an expensive pump that never earned its value for me. It is not strong or particularly discreet, and it leaks if you’re anything other than still and perfectly upright. 

Nipple cream

We don’t talk about how painful breastfeeding is at first. It is a 30-second strike of lightning through your body every single latch, and don’t tell the lactation consultants but I think decreasing the pain has less to do with getting a good latch and more to do with just toughening up. Either way, if your nipples crack and bleed do not waste your time with Lanolin cream, hydrogel pads, or really anything other than All Purpose Nipple Ointment (APNO): it’s a prescription compound that I ceaselessly evangelize, and since it’s antibiotic, anti-inflammatory, and anti-fungal it simultaneously protects and reduces pain.

Swaddles

I had a Snoo bassinet for my first child and while I didn’t use it for my second kid I did re-buy the swaddles that are designed by the company. They call them the 5-Second swaddle and it’s true. We can’t all be labor and delivery nurses that could swaddle an octopus but this definitely makes it easy for the layperson who just wants their baby to lay down.

Sound machines

The devil works hard but the Hatch marketing team works harder. If I had a nickel for how many times I’ve had an influencer shill the Hatch sound machine I could buy a single one of these overpriced pieces of garbage. I’ll tell you who else at Hatch is working hard: their product development team, going above and beyond to invent an all-purpose touch ring that simultaneously controls everything yet does nothing. All the buttons are hidden on the bottom of the device, and don’t get me started on the UI design of the app (also do we really need an app??). Save your money and just buy a normal sound machine.

Toys

It’s true that newborns don’t need toys, but their parents do, and they need ones that don’t make their minds go numb. I’ve received no fewer than 20 of those mini blankets with a stuffed animal head attached (lovies, I think they’re called) and while adorable I still have no idea what you’re supposed to do with them. I personally like teething key rings, rattles, and high-contrast flash cards you can narrate many different ways for the baby. (You can order these, make your own, or buy some I’ve designed and easily print at home.)

Of course, there are very few items babies actually need — after all, people have been raising children for hundreds of thousands of years. But the newborn phase is hard, and I appreciated any item that made it just a little easier, even if only for a few short weeks.