So Sallie Says

Let’s have a Mental Health Moment (MHM).

I recently went back to therapy. This isn’t my first time going, but I’m not a person who is chronically in therapy. I’ve previously been been for very specific reasons, like postpartum depression or pre-marital counseling. This time is more of a general tune-up: I’ve been putting things off and now it’s time to deal with them. I also need to get a colonoscopy and have some moles removed, but one thing at a time.

I am by no means an expert, but here are some things I’m learning about therapy (not in therapy — because that’s none of your business).

Tips for finding the right therapist

It’s cliched but true to say that finding the right therapist is like dating. Someone once told me (a therapist, I think) that on average it takes meeting with 6 (six!) therapists before you find the right fit. The good news is that, like dating, it gets easier each time because you hone in on what you need and like in a partner.

And that’s really what it comes down to: finding someone who can give you what you need, and not being bashful about that. Therapist speed dating is basically a lot of vibe-checking, which millennials are great at doing over the internet. It just takes some run-of-the-mill internet stalking: heavy inference of online bios, digging up obscure references in psychology journals, an incognito LinkedIn search — you know, the usual.

Disclaimer: riding purely on vibes to find a therapist worked for me because none of the issues I’m dealing with right now are extremely grave or require having another person in therapy with me.

How to clearly communicate with your therapist

I started therapy knowing I didn’t need to only talk through things — I do enough of that already. I am looking for mechanisms and tools to deal with a defined set of issues. I treat my appointments like I do a work meeting: preparing an objective and topics, because you simply cannot exorcise me of corporate America at this point. Of course, this only applies if you know what your expectations are, which sometimes you don’t, but that’s important to communicate, too.

Don’t try to get your therapist to like you (@ me)

As a lifelong people pleaser (working on it!), it is my goal to get every medical professional and AI chatbot I interact with to like me. This time, I had an honest talk with myself about how this woman is doing a job, and it really doesn’t matter if she likes me or not. It was a big step to unblur the lines between rapport and friendship, but I want to leave with an outcome, not a new friend or the self-satisfaction of making someone laugh or think “wow, she’s so self-aware and in touch” and also “she would look really good with a nose ring, I should tell her that.”

So remember: this is therapy, not brunch. Your therapist doesn’t need to like you and you also don’t need to ask her if she does!

What therapy really feels like (spoiler: not a normal conversation)

Few things are scarier than trauma-dumping, then sitting in silence while the other person scrambles for words. But therapy is not subject to typical conversational rules. It’s okay to just stop a story with “so yeah,” or ask “what do you make of that?” It’s also okay to ask them to repeat a concept (and to not apologize for that — see? I’m working on it). It’s okay if you want to keep talking about the same thing over and over again, or if you want to abandon a topic mid-session. You get to call the shots, and the best part is, therapists know what to do next because that’s their job.

You don’t have to tell your therapist everything, unless you want to

At times I feel like I have to give my therapist the entire context (“I was born on May 30, 1991, an unseasonably warm Thursday”) for her to get it. But most issues are really not that unique. Of course, they are personal and a big deal to us because they’re our lives, but at some level, our base emotions are fairly programmed and our reactions are somewhat predictable. Therapists hear the same things over and over again. Like all jobs, one develops a script when certain patterns arise. And honestly, a standard response is okay with me if that’s what I need to hear and that’s what works.

In conclusion

If you are thinking about going to therapy (for the first time or again), let me acknowledge that it’s not the easiest thing to do — from finding the therapist to going to the appointments, from sharing your inner thoughts for 50 minutes straight to excavating things deep within that are usually uncomfortable. But these lessons are an attempt at making it a little bit easier on myself: going with my gut, focusing on being self-serving, and trying to care less about the stuff that doesn’t matter.

So yeah, that’s what I make of it! I’d love to know your best therapy revelations (aside from “we should all be in it”).