So Sallie Says

Spoiler: You don’t need more date nights, you need a husband who’s not an idiot.

My husband and I have been married for six years, and together for 14. From my perspective, we have a strong relationship. I can and do complain about nearly every aspect of my life, but I find it hard to complain about my marriage. 

I realize this sounds Very Annoying, but we rarely fight, we have an equal partnership, and he is my best friend. I think a lot of our success comes down to pure luck, but there are a few variables you can control to build a strong marriage.

Tip 1: Don’t marry someone who sucks

The most important thing you have to do is not marry an idiot. That’s it, that is my number one piece of advice.

And honestly, that is harder than it should be. First, a lot of people do just generally suck, unfortunately. Second, a lot of people hide how bad they suck, or maybe they only suck a little at first but by the time you realize it you’re sucked in. Third, you have to not settle for their suckiness, and know in your soul you deserve better.

And of course, all of us suck a little in our own unique ways, but it’s really about being self aware and knowing your limits. (For example, my husband’s biggest character flaw is that he believes earnestly we can DIY almost all home improvement projects. I’ve decided I can live with this, despite him criminally and chronically underestimating the complexity of all of them.) And I think if there’s a shadow of a doubt that a person sucks more than what you’re willing to tolerate, do not ignore the red flag.

Tip 2: Marry someone who thinks you’re a big deal

This isn’t about tricking your spouse to hook them in. It’s about finding someone who’s genuinely invested in your success without you having to convince them. My husband has believed in me since Day 1 for no logical reason. I did and have done nothing to cultivate that, but more than a decade later he’s still my biggest cheerleader – not because I asked him to be, but because he actually thinks I’m kind of a big deal. I guess he’s just obsessed with me, and we all deserve that.

Tip 3: Establish an equal division of labor

Marriage is the most important group project you’ll ever be in. We all know from freshman year GenEd that there’s no better way to quickly resent someone than to believe you’re doing more work than them. Having a house, kids, pets, cars, and bank accounts is a lot of work, and you need to make sure you’re both doing an equal amount of managing it all.

It’s well known that women take on most of the invisible – and a lot of the visible – work around the house. There’s even a card deck about this concept so that you can take a fun, gamified approach to telling your husband that he sucks. I’ll save you the hassle, and let’s be honest, he wasn’t going to play that stupid game anyway.

The easiest ways to divide the labor is to figure out all the tasks you don’t want to do and make him do it! For example, I refuse to set foot in our rat castle of a shed that houses all the garden tools. The result is that I do none of the outdoor labor: raking leaves, spraying wasp nests, pumping up bike tires. I don’t handle raw meat because it’s gross, and I certainly do not snake the drains, because that’s also gross. Anything to do with cars is firmly his territory: if he wants a Porsche so badly, I say let him work for it by changing the oil, renewing the registrations, and adjusting the car seats.

If you’re wondering, “is she just reinforcing gender stereotypes to get out of doing work?” I would say you’re missing the point. Obviously I know that girls can grill and I myself even know how to change a brake pad, but I’m already doing the laundry, cleaning, closet organization, toy rotations, curating perfectly cadenced “Subscribe and Save” lists, and — most importantly — cleaning out the litter box. If there’s an opportunity to delegate entire categories of tasks, I take it without guilt.

Tip 4: Be together but separate 

If I’m being honest, my relationship falls more toward the “codependent” side of the spectrum. I don’t get how you avoid becoming that way after a certain amount of time. But I do think it’s important to protect the parts of yourself that are uniquely you. I’m not talking about having a secret bank account or keeping your maiden name, though I support both of those things, and not just to save yourself the admin, though that’s important too.

The point is, have something of your own. For example, my husband has no clue what I’m clickety-clacking about on my computer all the time, and I have no idea what he does for work, like truly none!! We both have cute little things we do that are just for ourselves, and, it helps keep the mystery alive. Sometimes I hear him on calls and it’s like I forgot that he’s an expert in his field and he’s in charge of people? And here I thought he was just the in-home groundskeeper and mechanic. Incredible. 

I confess I’ve withheld my most important piece of advice, which is to not take relationship advice from anyone, even moi. Every marriage is different, and we all need and want different things. It’s important for me to feel supported and have an equal teammate, so these are the things that have made the biggest difference for me. The rest is probably just luck, good timing, and being able to agree on what you should make for dinner night after night for the rest of your lives.