So Sallie Says

Propaganda I’m not falling for? Comfortable jeans. Here are the real mom wardrobe essentials.

I remember the day when I realized I really shouldn’t be wearing Forever21 anymore, but I wasn’t ready for the LOFT either. “I don’t want to look like a mom,” I said to my 27-year old self, but the writing was on the dressing room wall.

Little did I know that as a mom I would dress less like Ann Taylor and more like Adam Sandler, and I have to say that life has been a lot easier since I truly accepted sweatpants and the sizes L-XXL into my heart and closet. Wearing something that fits me? Please. I’m someone’s mother now.

You may be wondering how I got here. I realized I was spending way too much time agonizing over outfits for a life that is, frankly, 85% Teams calls and toddlers. Plus, it’s way too hard to put on clothes (and I’ve always said that The Sims had it right with that jazzy little jump-and-spin maneuver) only to have it be the wrong look! Now, getting dressed is no longer a creative exercise (or physical exercise). It’s just math. I’ve right-sized my approach (just not my sweatpants).

Here is my outfit-on-autopilot formula (developed during a shower, so you know it’s brilliant). If I wear something 85% of the time, I spend 15 seconds thinking about it. This means I’m wearing some combination of sweatpants, an XL top, and whatever sneakers I can find. And between you and me, sometimes a bra is optional.

Continuing on: for outfits I wear 10% of the time — like for a brunch or casual get-together — I spend 90 seconds thinking about the outfit. Here’s where it gets tricky, so pay attention. For the 5% of my life that requires something fancier than jeans and actual brainpower, the time I the time I allocate for outfit planning skyrockets to 95 minutes, because when you have to serve looks you have to serve looks. Now, I’m not the smartest or most efficient gal, but I’ve shopped this idea to both a prominent Ivy League and the Navy Seals, and let’s just say they were impressed.

Steve Jobs had his black turtleneck, and I have my sweatpants – though if he’d been a busy mom, I believe he would have upgraded to the sweats. This approach works for me for two primary reasons: 

1. Contrary to popular advice, I dress for the life I have, not the one I want. For years I bought clothes for my future imagined persona as a rich, effortlessly chic New Englander with a sailboat and a hydrangea hedge. It was an excuse to buy things that supported the daydream versus my current reality. Unfortunately, my current reality is best served by wearing leggings and a sweatshirt that doubles as a tissue. The linen sets and breezy caftans will just have to wait.
2. It’s either age or motherhood that has finally freed me from caring what others think of me. I suspect it’s a bit both. I simply do not have the time, and other people don’t have time to worry about me either (rude!).  I already wrote about this on my birthday and for my low-buy year update, but it’s blowing my mind that after decades of body image issues, giving my body to my children counterintuitively resulted in relief and freedom. It’s giving The Body Posi Giving Tree.

The fashion girlies will tell you that you should “upgrade” your casual look or “invest in quality basics.” But here’s what I know: I default to soft pants, XL tops, and sneakers every day without fail, and it’s saved me at least 15 minutes daily. So no, I’m not interested in elevating this look with wide leg pants or a crisp T-shirt or gold jewelry. Save it for someone else’s algorithm!