So Sallie Says

If you had told me on my wedding day that within five years I’d be inviting a rotating cast of 20-something women from around the world to live in my house, I would have assumed my marriage had taken a very strange turn.

Yet here I am, on my third au pair, and it’s the best decision we’ve made as parents.

Let me back up. When I was six months pregnant with my first son, I did the Tour de Daycares: making spreadsheets, agonizing over infant-to-teacher ratios, and whether we could afford the fancy place with the infant STEM curriculum or if we’d have to settle for the one that smelled like old soup. Then, I panicked, and realized I physically could not leave my baby somewhere that felt nothing like home.

We had tossed out the idea of an au pair, but I thought they were for wealthy families with guest houses and Range Rovers. In that moment, it felt worth at least considering. We called a family friend who had hosted au pairs, and we were sold — we welcomed our first au pair a few months after that. Three years later, and I don’t have a single regret.

If you’ve ever been curious about au pairs but weren’t sure if it was “for you,” here’s a firsthand opinion, including the financial reality, the logistical challenges, and how it changed my parenting.

Let’s start with the basics

There’s a lot to learn about the au pair program, and if you’re seriously thinking about it obviously don’t just listen to me; do your own research. In the meantime, here’s the need-to-know context.

The au pair program is a federally regulated cultural exchange administered by the U.S. State Department. Au pairs (ages 18-26) work up to 45 hours/week, get room/board plus a weekly stipend, and enter the U.S. on a J-1 Cultural Exchange Visa, which is good for the initial 12-month stay and can be extended for 6, 9, or 12 months. You must go through designated agencies like Cultural Care and Au Pair in America that handle matching and compliance.

There are strict regulations for both au pairs and host families. Au pairs must be proficient in English, have recent and practical childcare experience, and hold a driver’s license, among other requirements. Likewise, host families must undergo background screening with references and interviews; provide a private bedroom, meals, and utilities; and support the au pair’s transition to the U.S., education requirements, and cultural integration. 

Of course, the actual daily experience of an au pair and a host family varies greatly and I have my own opinions about how to make the program work best. But the point is, it’s a long-running, regulated program with at least some standard of vetting and protection for both parties involved.

Reasons I recommend the au pair program

It’s cost-effective

Let’s start with the part everyone cares about: money. The average weekly cost of an au pair through a reputable agency is around $450-500/week when you factor in the program fees, stipend, insurance, and food. That comes out to roughly $2,000/month for up to 45 hours of childcare per week.

For context, full-time daycare for one child in my area runs $1,800-2,500/month. For two kids, it might be $3,000-4,000. The au pair math gets even better if you have multiple children or need any flexibility outside standard daycare hours — which often have fees for late pick-ups (that I would most certainly incur).

Simply said, it isn’t a luxury reserved for the wealthy; it’s often the most practical option for working families.

It’s reliable, convenient care

This is by far the biggest pro for us. My husband and I both work hybrid but very full-time jobs, and we value anything that can buy back minutes of time (which I acknowledge is depressing, but don’t blame me, blame late-stage capitalism). Having childcare in your house feels like we’re able to maximize the limited time we have with our kids — from skipping daycare drop-offs to being able to see our kids on breaks throughout the day when we work from home.

Additionally, having an au pair relieves the mental load of childcare contingency planning. Only on rare occasions have we asked our au pair to work outside her normal hours, but not having to panic-scramble to find help in an “emergency” is a game changer. One time my husband was traveling for work and our cat came home late at night with a gaping leg wound. I had to take him to the emergency vet at midnight while my au pair stayed with my sleeping infant. The cat made a full recovery, the wound remains a mystery, and I was grateful I didn’t have to wake up my baby to stuff a bleeding cat into a carrier at 1am.

Your kids have another close caretaker

This is the part that surprised me most. Unlike daycare or even a regular nanny, au pairs really do become part of your family in a way that creates genuine bonds. And while yes, I admit the idea of having another person living in your house is strange, it makes the relationship totally different. They see the ins and outs of your family and get to know your kids personalities on a very deep level. Exposure therapy, I guess. 

Having a third adult around that my kids trust and love means she can seamlessly take over daily caretaking with minimal disruption to my kids’ lives. She intimately knows their habits and needs, and also knows exactly where the extra diapers and spare batteries are. It sometimes feels like I’m doing parenting on easy mode.

My tips for how to make it work

Trust your gut over their resume

Ultimately, like most things, it comes down to vibes. 

I’ve interviewed au pairs with impressive childcare resumes who I knew within ten minutes wouldn’t work for our family. I’ve also interviewed au pairs whose only experience was babysitting younger siblings — and they were incredible.

Here’s what I look for: someone whose energy matches ours. We’re fairly laid-back, we value independence and creativity over rigid schedules, and we need someone who can structure their own days and roll with the chaos of two young boys. 

In interviews, I ask less about their qualifications and more about things that give me insight into their personalities, like how she likes to spend her free time or what are her opinions on Spider-Man? Their answers tell me way more than any resume line about working at a kids’ day camp.

Interview like you’re online dating (because you kind of are)

The matching process is going to feel like dating. First, you’ve got to get on the apps (each agency has their own). Then, you scour the profiles of hundreds of girls trying to determine their vibe. You text each other for a little, and if it feels right you set up dates to try and awkwardly assess how into each other you are. It’s creepy. Get over it.

I interviewed maybe 8-10 candidates before matching with our first au pair. By the third time around, I knew what I was looking for and could narrow it down faster. (Though, I wouldn’t say it gets easier, because now you have a preconception of who an ideal au pair is, and they’re irreplaceable.)

To make the most of the interview process, determine which criteria are most important to you (e.g., strong English skills, proficient driver) and what type of support you need (e.g., taking care of an infant vs. chauffeuring school-aged kids to afternoon activities may require different skillsets). Depending on the agency, you can even filter based on these types of parameters. Some agencies require video submissions, and I found these helped immensely in getting a first impression of someone. 

I recommend your kids not be around for initial candidate interviews. It’s hard to focus when a 3-year old is trying to showcase his Paw Patrol collection while you’re trying to determine someone’s compatibility with literally your entire life. Ryder and his team of pups are not helpful in this particular scenario. 

Do not be afraid to ask lots of questions, especially in second and third interviews. This is one of the last in-depth conversations you’ll have with someone before they show up at your house to live with you, so come prepared and pay close attention. It’s important for both parties to be extremely clear about what their personalities are like, what the challenges of the job might be, what the area and town is like, how the family spends their time, and to what degree they expect the au pair to participate in family life.

The right match is worth the time investment. A bad match means starting over, and that’s way more disruptive than doing thorough interviews upfront.

House layout is key

I firmly believe success for most families depends largely on your house set-up (which, unfortunately, you can’t drastically change). By all definitions, you’re getting a roommate as a 30- or 40-year old grown adult with deeply ingrained routines and opinions about your personal space. So, you need personal space. 

A private bedroom is required. A private bathroom is a huge plus. A separate living space, entrance, and several walls of separation is even better. I never thought I’d love my split-level, but it is one of the major reasons this childcare option works for us. It doesn’t feel like we’re living on top of each other (though we quite literally are: she has essentially the entire lower floor of our house). I think this is important for everyone’s sanity. 

And zooming out from just your house, the area you live in also makes a difference. We live in a major metropolitan area and there are tons of au pairs. My hypothesis is that it’s easier to find matches when you live close to a city, and it helps au pairs to get settled if there are other peers and things to do.

Respect goes both ways

The term “au pair” comes from French, meaning “on par” or “equal to.” The relationship is intended to be one of equals rather than an employer-employee dynamic.

I’ve learned to see our au pairs as capable adults, not employees to micromanage or teenaged babysitters who need constant direction. I don’t have a nanny cam. I don’t leave detailed daily schedules. Au pairs are brave, responsible, and adept enough to move to another country, so my opinion is that she likely has a high baseline of accountability and maturity.

I believe our au pairs have thrived because they felt trusted and respected, not managed.

In return, I respect her time off, her privacy, and her life outside our family. Her schedule is her schedule, and I don’t ask her to add “just one quick hour” outside of it or treat her as an on-call babysitter just because she lives here. It’s also in my best interest for her to be happy: happy people take better care of your kids. 

The employee/family member/friend tightrope

Your au pair is technically an employee, but it would be weird if you treated them strictly as such, because they’re living in your house, eating dinner with you, and hearing you argue with your spouse about why for the love of God he can’t remember we recycle glass now goddammit. 

Some of our au pairs have spent more time with us than others, and one of the unexpected joys has been developing my own relationships with our au pairs — it’s nice to have another girl in what would otherwise be a mojo dojo casa house. But my experience is mostly that they want to live their own lives and I don’t blame them. Caretaking is an extremely taxing job and they need their own time to recover, not hang out with us. 

The key is communication and flexibility. Don’t force intimacy, but don’t be so formal that it’s awkward to coexist in the same house. Let the relationship develop naturally, and give space for both of you to set boundaries.

The unexpected parts: good and bad

The settling-in period is work

When your au pair arrives, they need everything: a bank account, a phone plan, a driver’s license (depending on your state), orientation to your town, your house, your kids’ routines. They might be jet-lagged, homesick, and overwhelmed.

For the first two weeks, it feels less like you hired help and more like you adopted an adult. You’re driving them places, explaining Costco in one breath and the Social Security Administration the next. It’s also emotional labor, making sure this new person is comfortable and as happy as possible, and learning to trust them knowing that they don’t yet love your children.

It’s temporary, but it is extra work so plan for it. Don’t schedule their arrival during your busiest work week or a busy time of year. We’ve also always scheduled our new au pairs to overlap with our current au pair by a couple weeks, which helps take an immense training load off, helps my kids start to associate the new person with a familiar one, and it eases their transition by having a built-in buddy to give them all the tips from a peer perspective. 

The third-party dynamic

If you cannot handle having another person in your house, this will not work for you. And I mean that, not just because you have a roommate now.

Having an au pair has forced me be cognizant of a lot of the ways I manage my own behaviors. It has helped me regulate myself, because the fact of the matter is that I’m less likely to lose it on my kids or spouse when there’s a third person around. 

It has also forced me to articulate how I want to raise my kids so that I can communicate how she should handle discipline or rule-setting. I’m a new parent, so oftentimes I’m just figuring it out as I go — then I have to turn around and tell someone else what to do, which has been hard. 

And there are moments when I do get jealous and feel guilty, I won’t lie. I think this is just a working mom thing — it’s really hard to be away from my kids and with an au pair you get a front row seat to witnessing someone else take care of them. I get texts of them out at the playground or pumpkin patch while I’m on a Teams meeting and I feel a pang of mom guilt mixed with gratitude — it’s complicated. But I think that loving my kids well sometimes means letting other people love them, too. 

The heartbreak when they leave is brutal

Au pairs stay for one year (sometimes two if they extend). Then they leave, and it sucks.

We’ve had to say goodbye to people we love. It’s that feeling of your heart getting ripped out of your chest, and it’s made even worse because your child is losing a caretaker so you feel pain on their behalf as well as your own. The weeks leading up to the end of the program are hard and emotional, and the transition period is hard on everyone. Kids feel these changes acutely, and it has been hard to navigate how to explain to toddlers how one caretaker is leaving but mommy and daddy will always be here.

For me, saying goodbye has been the hardest parts of the program, but I try to center my gratitude for someone giving up years of their lives to care for my kids every day.

Would I do it again?

I would do the program again for this season of life (young kids, working from home) without hesitation. We consider ourselves lucky for having matched with great au pairs, but a lot of the success depends on the things I’ve written about here. 

Having an au pair has given me back a lot of time, given my kids invaluable bonds, and opened up my own life to new people I will love forever. It’s made our house fuller and our lives richer. But it’s not for everyone. It requires financial resources, physical space, and most importantly, the emotional bandwidth to welcome someone into your life — not just your home.

If you’re seriously considering it, here’s where to start:

1. Research the big agencies (we prefer Au Pair in America)
2. Calculate your real all-in costs, not just the stipend (i.e., a phone plan, required education fees, slightly higher grocery bills)
3. Join a host family Facebook group or subreddit and lurk/ask questions
4. Tour your house with fresh eyes: where would this person actually live?

Of course, no childcare solution is perfect and there are trade-offs, but for us it’s been absolutely worth it. Even if (especially if?) it means occasionally finding someone making tamales in your kitchen at midnight.